An Overlake couple finds fulfillment in building family through adoption

Before Narda and Steve Emett were married, a doctor told Narda that the chances of her being able to have children biologically were slim, opening up the possibility that the couple would ultimately look to other methods for bringing children into their home.

“We were married two months when we found out I was pregnant with our first child,” Narda said, of a surprise that put the previously discussed adoption topic on the back burner. “But he was born when I was five months along and passed away at birth.”

The Emetts turned to fertility treatments following the heart-breaking passing of their son, but things weren’t working.

“Then one day a fertility doctor asked us if we had considered adoption,” Narda said. “We both looked at each other like, ‘Yes, we were going to adopt.’ I don’t know why we put it to the side. I guess we kept thinking that we were going to have biological children.”

Thus began over a decade of work with various adoption agencies, filling out necessary paperwork and years of waiting to fill the bedrooms of their Overlake home — a process that eventually brought 10-year-old Madison, 6-year-old Lilly and 5-year-old twins Sierra and Savannah into their lives.

“I know a lot of people struggle with the fertility issues that really grieve over not being able to have biological children,” Narda said. “For us that wasn’t as big of an issue. I’ve always said that adoption wasn’t always our first choice, but it’s never been second best either. I believe it’s as good as having biological children.”

While each of their daughters’ adoption stories are different, each are filled to the brim with love.

“Initially, we started with LDS Family Services, getting our paperwork done,” Narda said. “It felt right. Seven months later Madison came along. Our case worker called us in and said, ‘How would you like to go on a trip to Chicago?’ It all happened pretty quickly. Adoption works a lot differently now that it used to. It used to be that you would be put on a list with whatever agency that you were using and when you came to the top of the list you got a baby. Now most adoption agencies let birth mothers choose the adoptive family that they want to place their child with. I’ve heard of couples being placed within two weeks of being approved because the birth mother found them at the right time and I’ve heard of people waiting five, six or seven years. It’s really a case-by-case basis.”

Though the Emett’s first adoption experience culminated in less than a year, when they decided to add to their family a year and a half later the process involved a little more thumb twiddling than they anticipated.

“When we put our adoption papers in for the twins, Madison was about 18 months old,” Narda said. “She was 5 when they were born, so we waited about three and a half years before the twins came along. We got to experience the real quick adoption and the painful let’s-wait-a-long-time-and-see-what-happens type. Once you get the paperwork done and turned in you kind of feel like things are out of your control at that point. There are things you can do, like we got a Web site up and running so that people could get to know us. You can tell family and friends that you want to adopt and if they know of anyone please tell them about us, but that’s about all you can do. It’s just a waiting game at that point.”

Even just filling out the paperwork can be a challenge, Narda said.

“The paperwork felt very intrusive,” she said. “I had a bad attitude about it at first because we had this whole stack of papers we had to fill out. There were a lot of questions about your childhood, how you were raised, what your beliefs are, what your goals are, how you are going to raise children, how you discipline, education. I felt like it was intrusive because it was during that bitter stage when you’re going through infertility and feeling like, ‘Why can just anyone go out and have a baby, but we have to prove ourselves worthy to have a child placed with us.’”

The paperwork portion eventually got easier as the Emetts realized it was important in ensuring children are placed in safe environments that will ultimately help them succeed in life.

“They don’t want to put a child in a dangerous home or somewhere they aren’t going to be cared for so they really do have to screen the families,” Narda said.

With a 5-year-old and infant twins then in their home, the Emetts had their hands full, but after a few years they began again to long for another child. But at this point the Emetts knew that with three other children at home the process could take even longer.

“The more children you have the longer you usually wait for an adoption,” Narda said. “I think a lot of birth mothers want their child to be the first child in a family. We knew our chances of adopting again, especially through LDS Family Services, were probably limited. We’d been waiting maybe a year and a half, but we weren’t anxious. It was one of those things where if it happens it will happen and if not we are a family with three kids and that will be good.”

Then one night the Emetts watched a television program on Haitian children who were sold into slavery.

“The parents just wanted them to have a better life and thought they would have that if they placed them with better families in Haiti,” Narda said. “But these families were just using them as slaves. It broke our hearts. That kind of opened our minds to maybe adopting internationally.”

After completing paperwork, obtaining help from families who had experience with foreign adoptions and traveling abroad twice, the Emetts were able to finalize the adoption of Lilly, who had been living at an orphanage in Ghana, Africa, seven months ago.

“Her birth mother is still alive, but her father died when she was about 4 months old,” Narda said of Lilly’s familial situation. “Her birth mother was trying to take care of her. She was living with an uncle in a small little shack that didn’t have a kitchen. It was a challenge even just to keep [Lilly] fed. They put her in the orphanage, so that she would be able to have meals and an education. They were really excited when they found out a family had chosen to adopt her because they knew that she would be able to have a life in America and have opportunities that she would never be able to have in Ghana.”

Even with the cultural differences between Ghana and the United States, the Emetts said bonding with Lilly didn’t take very long, but in hindsight the adoption situation was significantly different from their previous experiences.

“In the first ones we were out there waiting for them to come out and pick us, but in her case she was waiting there for the right family to pick her,” Narda said. “That was different looking at all these beautiful children at this orphanage and which one do you pick. That was hard for me. How do you narrow it down to one child?”

The Emetts have maintained contact with Lilly’s mother back in Africa through letters and pictures, and have also maintained contact with Madison’s mother due to the adoption being an open one from the start.

“When we first went into the whole adoption thing we just thought you would be placed with a baby,” Narda said. “We didn’t know that you would meet the birth parents. We didn’t know there was opportunity to write and share letters. We just thought someone would give you a baby and then you would be done.”

She said when they started going to education classes offered by LDS Family Services they heard from birth mothers and heard their stories.

“We started to have a respect for birth mothers and the difficult decision that they made. The one thing that we learned is that in almost every single case all of them made their choice out of love. They wanted to do what was in the best interest of the child,” she said. “Knowing that helped us to be more willing to have an open adoption. I think it was good for us to start out slow. We didn’t just open the flood gates and tell them they could come for a visit any time they wanted. Slowly we got to know each other and built up trust before we sped things up. It’s been great.”

Only the twin’s adoption has been closed, meaning the birth mother requested privacy and a chance to move on with her life. But that doesn’t stop the Emetts from talking openly with their children about their individual adoptions and how special their birth mothers were.

“Our family motto is love makes a family,” Narda said. “Birth mothers have so much love for these children that they want to give them the best chance possible for their lives. Love started the whole thing. We’ve been able to love these children and their birth parents. For us building our family has really been a labor of love. It’s been a really neat experience for us.”

Jamie Belnap: jamieb@tooeletranscript.com